Monday, August 31, 2009

Worst Reality Check Ever

This last quarter of the deployment has been really tough for me. I venture to even say I'm having a harder time right now with it all than I did during the beginning few months. I honestly think Johnny and I are just so mentally and emotionally spent that we are having a tough time communicating and unfortunately I am just flat out of patience and optimism.

A year is just too long.

I am going through the motions of each day but my general mood is just BLAH. I know how close we are to his return home and everyone says, even Johnny, "But it's almost over, he's coming home soon, you should be excited!" And I am, but it hasn't really hit me yet to the full extent to overcome my feelings of blah-ness.

I wonder if other Army wives hit this point during the deployment where they just can't comprehend doing another day of this crap.

To make me feel even worse about my lack of patience and not so great mood towards Johnny lately, I just found out this morning that the husband of one of my friends' best friend was killed in action this weekend in Afghanistan. She is my age, maybe a few years older. MY AGE. NOW A WIDOW. PLANNING A FUNERAL FOR HER HUSBAND.

I've had a tough time dealing with that news even though I never met this couple. Even now, I'm fighting to hold back tears as I sit in my office and write this. While I know the reality of Johnny's situation and job, and I knew what I was getting into when I married him, it doesn't make that blow any less painful. Those are things I don't let myself think about because I wouldn't be able to get myself out of bed in the morning.

I thought to myself, "How dare you for getting mad over stupid things when all you can do is pray and trust that you will see his face again one day. How dare you for taking life for granted while he serves our country at WAR."

Nothing is guaranteed. Is that argument really worth having now? My mom always says, pick your battles Amanda. I didn't really think I needed a reality check to remind myself that Johnny is in Iraq with death a very real part of the job, but let me tell you, that news really helped put things into perspective for me as I struggle to make it through the last 5-7 weeks of our deployment.

My thoughts and prayers are with the young wife as she wraps her head around the news, the rest of the family and my friend and her husband.

As Johnny put it best, "He was serving his country so that we can all have freedoms. He made the ultimate sacrifice for his country and he will not be forgotten."

2 comments:

Jessica said...

Manda,

I know you will get through this and be looking back on this hard time in no time!
You are the toughest gal I know and I love you heaps!!
Hold in there, the rewards for you will be great :)

Love Jessaroo xxxxxxxx

Mrs. E said...

Thanks for your sweet post. It was a reality check for all of us and makes so many things in life seem trivial. I look forward to seeing you soon and hope that when Niki comes back, maybe the two of us can surround her with more love. It was great talking to you today.